


Insanity Rules

by The_Raptor_Queen



Series: It's a Jurassic Life [2]
Category: Jurassic Park (Movies), Jurassic Park Series - Michael Crichton, Jurassic World (2015)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-07-18 15:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7320787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Raptor_Queen/pseuds/The_Raptor_Queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of new rules that the Jurassic World HR department has emailed to the employees</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So after reading ‘Tower Rules (Or, Things Nick Fury Has Outlawed as a Result Of The Avengers Being Naughty)’ I decided to do my own version for the JW/JP universe. I’m more than willing to take suggestions.

_Email from: Masrani Global HR department._

_It’s come to our attention that new rules need to be implemented for a harmonious work environment. Please read over the new rules and regulations listed below and take note:_

  * All Employees must note that use of the tannoy system is discouraged for any use except official use. (Owen, please **STOP** playing an endless loop of The Fox when people irritate you, everyone can already sing along and it gets stuck in people’s heads for days!)
  * Barry is not allowed to cook in any kitchen except his own after the infamous Soup incident. Even then he should reconsider using anything with fire.
  * The unofficial Meme competition has to stop **NOW**! These dinosaur memes are just getting ridiculous now!
  * Please stop playing pranks on Dr Wu, we understand that he is partially responsible for the Indominus Rex incident but scaring the shit out of him using your raptors, Owen, is taking things a little too far!
  * Please stop trying to teach Rexy to do Gangnam Style, we don’t care how ‘fucking hilarious’ it would be, she just ends up annoyed when she can’t do it properly.
  * Jurassic World does **not** need a YouTube and Instagram account filled with videos and pictures of the dinosaurs after they’ve drank a gallon of espresso coffee.
  * Owen, **STOP** giving the dinosaurs coffee! We’re still trying to clear up the damage from last time!
  * Getting all the dinosaurs together for a movie night/bonding session is a **VERY** bad idea. It’s even worse to include guests in that plan.
  * You are technically allowed to throw a birthday party for your dinosaurs, but we don’t encourage alcohol and dancing with those dinosaurs.
  * Will whoever keeps putting this poster up in the Innovation centre:



    please stop it. It makes the park visitors nervous.

  * Selfies with the carnivores are not encouraged, especially after what happened with the mosasaurus.
  * Please stop trying to teach the raptors to use your motorcycle Owen, they’re quick enough as it is.
  * Contrary to evidence, the dilophosaurs are not related to magpies, would the tour guides please stop saying that they are, even if they have got a stash of stolen shiny objects in full view of the visitors.
  * Owen and Lowery will _**not**_ be releasing an album any time soon, nor will they be filming a music video with the raptors.
  * Will whoever started the aforementioned rumour please identify yourself so Owen stops taking it out on the rest of us.
  * _**NO**_ Owen, you are not allowed to invite Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and One Direction to enter the raptor pen. I don’t care if you don’t like them, feeding them to your raptors is not something we want to happen.
  * Please will people stop suggesting that Rexy needs to get laid, that’s not why she’s grumpy!
  * Thank you for discovering that eels don’t agree with the Suchomimus’ digestive system, however the Dinosaur Maintenance team ask that you stop trying to find out their reactions to new foods. One man is still in therapy after the Eel incident.
  * Owen, I don’t care if you’re convinced that your raptors are good with children, you are not allowed to suggest them as babysitters.
  * Please stop trying the Mirror Test on the dinosaurs, it really freaks out the Dilophosaurs.



_Thank you for taking the time to read these new rules and regulations._

_Samantha Wilcox_

_Head of HR for Masrani Global, Jurassic World division_


	2. Chapter 2

_Email from: Masrani Global HR department._

 

_Thank you for taking note of the new rules in the previous email, unfortunately some more issues have come to our attention. As such we need to add some more to the list:_

  * After the agreement for a calendar featuring the dinosaurs, will people please not dress the dinosaurs up. It just looks creepy.
  * Anyone attempting to dress up Rexy deserves anything they get.
  * While we all **know** that the mosasaurus would win in a fight with a killer whale, we are **not** going to prove it. I don’t care what SeaWorld employees say, doing that would have PETA coming down on us.
  * Lowery, we all know that Owen can be an ass, but please stop hacking his Spotify account.
  * Whoever is circulating these posters:



          

         Please stop, I appreciate that you took down the other posters from the innovation centre but this is making people even more nervous.

  * I’m still waiting for whoever started the rumour that we’re starting ballet classes for the dinosaurs to come forward.
  * Will people stop giving the gallimumus herd sugar, seeing them on a sugar high is disturbing some of the visitors.
  * No, we will **not** be opening an attraction to allow the visitors to slide down the apatosaurs’ necks.
  * If anyone sees Dr Wu mixing dinosaur DNA they must report it **IMMEDIATELY**! We’re still cleaning up the mess from his ‘prehistoric pigeons’ and it’s believed that at least six escaped.
  * Will whoever hid the chickens in the innovation centre please **PLEASE** tell us where you hid #4, we’ve found #1-3 and #5-7 but we’ve searched everywhere and can’t find that one. Tell us where it is and we’ll overlook the prank.
  * Yes, we **are** considering opening a park with other prehistoric animals but **no** , we will not be adding Homo Erectus or Neanderthals as exhibits. And will people please stop insinuating that Vic Hoskins will be the template for the Neanderthals, I get that he was an ass but I think that being ripped apart by raptors is punishment enough for his crimes.
  * Please stop signing each other up for _Hell’s Kitchen_ , I’m sick of the phone calls from the show’s producers.
  * Thank you to whoever left the cookies on my desk, but please note for future reference that I can’t be bribed.
  * It doesn’t matter how many petitions you send, we physically **can’t** build an outdoor skating rink due to the weather. We are looking into building an indoor winter biome for the woolly mammoths we’re planning on introducing so we may be able to add a section there.
  * Owen, I don’t care **how** you got a wig that size, please stop trying to dress up the new plesiosaur.
  * Guys, stop playing the penny prank on people.
  * Owen, signing yourself up for _Total Wipeout_ and trying to get Blue to take your place is cheating. Not to mention dangerous!
  * Will whoever keeps changing the word ‘raptor’ to ‘6ft turkey’ please stop it, it’s annoying Owen and he’s had to be stopped from using the tannoy system multiple times today alone.
  * Will whoever keeps organising flash mobs to dance to ‘Walk the dinosaur’ please stop it, it was funny the first two times, but after twenty two, it’s gotten annoying now.
  * Please stop trying to persuade the team in charge of the labs to create a new dinosaur named ‘Barneysaurus’, ‘Doyouthinkhesaurus’ and ‘Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex’ are also off limits. In fact, we won’t be creating new hybrid dinosaurs again.



_Thank you for taking the time to read these new rules and regulations._

_Samantha Wilcox_

_Head of HR for Masrani Global, Jurassic World division_

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Email from: Masrani Global HR department._

 

**_URGENT_ **

_Please read and remember! It has come to my attention that some people have been ignoring certain health and safety practices. I feel that I must reiterate certain points because of this._

 

  * **Never** enter any of the dinosaur pens unless you are fully trained and it is safe for you to do so.
  * Do not walk on metal catwalks above the pens in a storm, luckily Steve will be ok but let’s avoid a repeat of his electrocution shall we?
  * Don’t feed the carnivores by hand, (this isn’t aimed at you Owen, considering how much respect your raptors have, I doubt they will attack you any time soon). Clara has, unfortunately, lost several fingers to the compsognathus group, she was lucky to not lose her life.
  * For the love of **God** please stop with the mirror test. Trying it with the raptors is the **WORST** idea any of you interns have ever had. You’re just lucky that Owen didn’t decide to _feed_ you to them! Anyone caught going to **any** of the dinosaurs with a mirror to try the test will be fired immediately.
  * Don’t bother trying to remove the objects from the dilophosaurs, safer and easier to just pay for replacements for anyone who comes forward than risk someone being sprayed with their venom. Remember what happened to Denis Nedry when he encountered them through his own stupidity.
  * Owen and Barry have asked that people stop playing ‘Raptor Chicken’, apparently the blood is murder to clean up.



_It has also come to my attention that some new issues have cropped up._

  * Please don’t start discussions about the recent EU referendum in Britain, it’s causing arguments amongst the British employees. We had to physically restrain two of them.
  * Owen, teaching your raptors to play pranks on people isn’t what we’re paying you for, as funny as the effects are.
  * Will whoever snuck into the HR office, covered every surface with Post-it notes and stuck a sign on the door  saying ‘Fun Police’ please come forward. We’re very interested in how you managed to get them to stick **inside** the fish tank.
  * Thank you for removing the ‘Lost Velociraptor’ posters, however can you now remove these ones:



         

  * Lowery is not, and never has been, the IT help desk, he has his own job and can’t spend all day fixing people’s smart phones and computers.
  * Please stop trying to ask Dr. Murphy about his childhood, it makes him uncomfortable.
  * While there are plans in the works for a creche to be opened up, we will **not**  be mixing dinosaurs with the children. That’s just asking for trouble.
  * I appreciate the creativity of the t-shirts, but please stop wearing them. Having Jurassic World employees wearing clothes that tell visitors that ‘If anything chases you, run!’ does not inspire confidence.
  * We’re still looking for chicken #4, whoever finds it will receive a 10% bonus in their wage packet this month.
  * No, we are not trying to recreate Smaug, no matter how many times visitors ask.
  * Nor are we going to recreate Toothless even though children would love it.
  * Please be aware that poachers have been caught on the island a few times, a big thank you to Owen and his raptor squad for patrolling the restricted area and catching them. I would also like to confirm that Masrani Global will **not** be liable for their medical bills.
  * I don’t know who started the rumour that Jurassic World will soon be offering wedding packages where people can get married **in** the exhibits but it stops **NOW**! This week alone, the complaints department has been inundated with calls threatening to sue because we aren’t offering such a package.
  * Can I remind people not to have water fights near the dinosaurs, many of them dislike having water suddenly thrown on them. Owen’s raptors are some of the few that don’t mind it, but Owen himself would rather you didn’t go near them.




	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I've been on holiday for a few weeks.

_ Email from: Masrani Global HR department. _

_ Guys, I know that I don’t go on holiday very often, let alone for several weeks at a time, but that’s no excuse for getting up to some of the most insane shit I’ve ever heard of! This is why we can’t have nice things! _

 

  1. When I catch up to the person behind the chicken prank, you are in **_deep_** trouble! Who the fuck thinks that it’s a good idea to convince employees on an island with dinosaurs that you hid seven chickens in various places when there was only six?!
  2. I don’t care how much they like it, you **_can’t_** take your dinosaurs into the cinema to watch movies. If you really want a movie night with them then set up a projector and screen at their enclosure.
  3. I don’t know why a certain group of people decided to film what they called ‘Jurassic Masterchef’ but please note that they’ve all been suspended **_without_** pay!
  4. Owen has alerted me to the fact that someone has managed to get a grand piano into the Raptor enclosure, he just has one question: how?
  5. On the note of the previous point, I have to ask why?
  6. Will whoever sent the invitation to Miley Cyrus’ agent please come forward before the monitoring software in the computer systems flag you up. Owen was very concerned when he was contacted by her agent to set up a publicity selfie session after I had strictly forbidden it.
  7. It’s nice that someone left brownies on my desk, but I’m a little concerned about their contents after my assistant ate four and began dancing around singing a song about a goblin.
  8. Dinosaur Truth or Dare is now on the banned list of games, also on the list is Dinosaur Twister, Rexy Buckaroo, Jurassic Hide and Seek and anything involving a Ouija board.
  9. Lowery has told me that until whomever unleashed the virus into the computer system comes forward, he will be hacking everyone’s spotify accounts at random. I am in full support of this as that fucking virus could have caused massive amounts of damage.
  10. We are **_NOT_** going to have an attraction where guests can swim with the mosasaurus so stop suggesting it!



_ And now for things on a lighter note: _

  1. We have now welcomed a brand new Saber Toothed Cat cub, we will be holding a competition for her name. Please submit all entries to me.
  2. I’d like whoever designed the new dinosaur plushies to come forward to discuss them being put into production.
  3. A big thanks to Dave from the Dilophosaurus team for finding a solution to the theft problem, if it looks like the Dilophosaurs are eyeing up shiny objects then distract them with one of the gemstones that Dave has left in his office.
  4. Well done to Owen and his raptors for catching the Biosyn employees before they managed to commit corporate espionage.
  5. I don’t know who invited Kelly Malcolm and Sarah Harding to make documentaries about the island for the YouTube channel, but good idea, it’s painting the park in a much light.



_ Samantha Wilcox _

_ Head of HR for Masrani Global, Jurassic World division _


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay guys, RL got in the way...**

* * *

 

_ Email from: Masrani Global HR department. _

 

_ Firstly, I’d like to say Happy Easter to everyone. At the accomodation for each employee is an Easter hamper. _

 

_ Now that more pleasant news has been mentioned, some new issues have come to my attention. _

  1. I don’t care that _Red Dwarf_ originally gave the idea that a T-Rex would enjoy a vindaloo, what I **_do_** care about is the fact that someone actually gave Rexy one. Especially as we can now confirm what happens when a T-Rex is fed an incredibly spicy curry. I’m giving whoever’s stupid idea it was to recreate that scene two days, then I’m giving Lowery carte blanche to start re-hacking people’s spotify accounts. I’d also like to know how the Hell you managed to make a curry that big! Dave is probably going to be in therapy for the next ten years after leading a group that was sneaking up on Rexy.
  2. I’m not going to tell you to stop playing D&D, nor am I going to tell you to change where you play it. But can you please decrease the frequency of the games? It’s causing too many rota clashes for you to have a game every night of the week. At the very least can you let me join in on a game?
  3. Can whoever discovered that the raptors enjoy audiobooks, please come forward. You aren’t in any trouble, both Owen and myself would like to know how you found this out and what books they preferred.
  4. I would like to ask all employees to please keep an eye out for visitors who decide to sneak into the restricted areas. Someone was threatening to sue after they were nearly injured by the suchomimus. They shut up rather quickly after the large number of signs that they passed and ignored were brought to their attention. But I’d like to avoid a repeat of that incident if we can.
  5. Please don’t buy the dinosaurs Easter eggs, it’s a lovely thought but I think that chocolate is toxic to them.
  6. Umm...can anyone explain what exactly happened two days ago? Last thing I remember is ordering a cocktail for with the Easter meal. Next thing I know, I’m waking up this morning. Naked...In a tree...With a traffic cone on my head...It took me six hours to stop feeling sick and actually make it back to my apartment..
  7. As a side, why were there live chickens in my apartment? Several of them sound like they’re about to lay an egg and one of them is actually nesting in my underwear drawer…
  8. Can we compliment whoever managed to teach the raptors how to actually play that Grand piano (and I just want to know why it hasn’t been removed yet) but all employees are reminded to stay out of enclosures unless you’re actually qualified to go into them.
  9. I don’t know what about this next point is more disturbing, that someone managed to dress the raptors up as _Frozen_ characters, or that they decided to make Rexy look like Rapunzel. Where the hell did you find a wig that size? And why? The amount it must have cost is utterly terrifying!
  10. Guys, I find ‘The Mysterious Ticking Noise’ as funny as the next person, and it was pretty funny when you got a flashmob of employees together to perform it for the release of _Fantastic Beasts_ , but who the **_FUCK_** decided to create a device that made a ticking noise and hid it in the control room?!?! I don’t fucking care that all it did was release a cloud of glitter once the timer finished counting down! We had to evacuate the building for **THREE** hours. In the heaviest **_FUCKING_** storm of the season! Six employees caught chest infections and another one has a broken arm from a flying tree branch! I don’t know who you are. But I will find you. And I _will_ kill you.



 

_ Samantha Wilcox _

_ Head of HR for Masrani Global, jurassic World division. _

* * *

 

_ Email from: Owen Grady _

 

I have no idea who was responsible for the Glitter Bomb, and spiking her drinks with Kraken rum, but I have some advice for you. Run. Run far, and run fast. If you go now and head for Nepal to live as a goat, you might escape. If not, you may get away from physical injury but your credit rating will be ruined. I’ll only say this once. Geeks are scary when they’re PISSED!

 

_ Peace out _

_ Owen ‘Raptor Dad’ Grady _


End file.
